Sunday, September 04, 2005

Afternoon of a mom

A true story wherein there is much screaming.

Me: [talking to Tim on the phone]...so anyway, I was backing up and the mailbox was shorter than the back of the van, so I didn't see it, and...
Nate: EEEEEE! I just saw something running after the cat! [fingertips to mouth]
Me: I'll have to call you back. [hang up phone] What was it? A mouse?
N: It looked like a mouse.
Me: [following thread on floor to more thread, wadded up into a big ball, caught on cat, who is now under the bed] Oh, it's just this thread.
N: Good, because I thought it was a giant booger and when it went past I jumped backwards down the stairs.
Me: [winding up thread, walking down stairs] Charlotte, where are your pants?
N: She went pee pee!
Me: WHERE?!?!? Charlotte, did you wet your pants?!?!?
N: In the potty.
Me: Phew! [go into bathroom to inspect; find that remarked-upon output does not completely cover bottom of cup in training potty] That's great, Charlotte! That's a great couple of drops! Can you go any more?
Charlotte: Yes. [starts to wander around, pantless]
Me: [calling Tim back] ...so it was just some thread....no, no it wasn't a ploy to get off the phone after telling you about the bumper... [glancing up at Hattie, who is walking by with cup from training potty, now removed] Don't play with that! It has PEE PEE in it!
Tim: And you said your life wasn't glamorous.
Me: I have to get off....NOT ON THE COUCH!
Hattie: [banging potty cup upside down on ottoman; looks up]
Me: [slamming phone down, rushing over] DO NOT DUMP THAT OUT! It has PEE PEE in it! [Fortunately not very much, but still.]
Me: [panicking, grab paper towel and dab to sop up wettish looking ring on ottoman] Let me have that! [grab potty cup]
Me: [going back into bathroom where Charlotte is now sitting on big potty] Charlotte, you're done. Get off the potty and put on your pants. [still panicking, throw paper towel used for ottoman into the toilet. Flush toilet. Toilet fills up and DOES NOT GO DOWN.]
Me: Okaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy.
H: [coming into bathroom where we are all staring at the full toilet] Band-Aid! Band-Aid!
Me: [hypothetically] Would it be too much to ask to have one crisis at a time? [put toilet paper on Hattie's mosquito bite, now bleeding profusely] Nate, can you get Hattie a band-aid, please?
N: [toilet draining veeeeerrrryyyyy slowly in background] She doesn't want this one. Hattie, don't waste band-aids!
H: [ripping off band-aid] NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Me: [holding disinfectant wipe in one hand due to inability to flush; toilet still draining] Charlotte, put on your pants!
H: [bumping head slightly on doorframe] AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!
Me: Hattie, don't bleed on anything! As soon as this toilet flushes, everyone is going to take a nap!
N: Except me.
Toilet: Flush! Draaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..........................
Me: [toilet still draining] You are going to lie quietly in your room. Charlotte, put on your pants. Nate, help Charlotte put on her pants.
N: She doesn't want me to.
C: No!
H: AAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Me: [muttering under my breath] &%$# the toilet. [closing lid] Come on everyone, we're going upstairs for naps.
C: [pants on, but askew] 'Kay.
H: [having slept a total of 45 minutes all day] No nap!
N: Can I have a new book?

The End

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